Monday, July 7, 2008

Sadness and Loss

It looks like I will have to go back to work. Bills keep piling up and it looks like the only option left for the welfare of my babies. I am so upset. I hate the idea of someone else seeing them grow and change and become the little people that they will be in the world.

Some of you know that I was in the Navy before I became a photographer. I worked in a building with no windows, and dreaded going to work some days. It was so stressful that my doctor suggested that I seek alternate employment because the stress of the job was giving me migraines and more severe asthma. The only up side of the job that I did, is that it is very well compensated in the civilian sector.

I am just a wreck thinking of someone else caring for Ava and Jaden for 8-10 hours a day. I see the questions coming now.

  • Why don't you just earn some extra money with the photography? Well people are not really hiring photographers for much right now, since some can't afford to buy milk. Even if I go back to work full-time, I wouldn't be able to pay for day care for two infants with the money I would make, if I could build the client base. Relatives helping out isn't exactly an option either, due to our duty station being so far from family. I thought that I would be able to book a few weddings, but they fell through this summer and I couldn't have afforded the childcare either.
  • Why don't you go back to work part-time? Part-time would only cover the cost of child-care. I have to pay for hourly care at $10/hr for drop-off part-time care, where there is an opening for two infants. It is very hard to find, and inflexible. Part-time work requires a flexible schedule.
  • Why don't you just tighten the purse strings? That doesn't seem to be an option. I clip coupons and shop the sales better than anyone I know, but unexpected expenses seem to keep coming up every week.

I just ask for prayer that I will be able to find some way to still stay with them and not have to let someone else be their caregiver for all their waking hours. It hurts so much to think that I might have to miss them growing up, while I am at a job that I hate. I know it's a thankless job, but I really don't want to leave it. I can't have any more babies, and I don't want leave the ones that I have before they are ready to go to school.


Amber said...

My prayers are with you.

cool dad said...

we will be praying for you as well!